Into the Mist

If I was to simplify adolescence into a phrase, I would say it was, “constantly arriving at a crossroad.” Where time and time again, we must weigh the options of our life choices. Whether to study in college, what degree, what kind of job, what sort of lifestyle, who do we want to be? These questions are like mantras keeping us in an endless loop of doubt. We can suffocate in fear of doing wrong; which leads to inaction. Some people follow after what their parents have done either from obligation or convenience. Some have only one concern, of whether there will be food on the table. These life choices, although difficult, for those that do get to make them, they are a privilege and a responsibility. 

Recently I was reminded, “It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end” (Ursula K. Le Guin, The Left Hand of Darkness). Society is set up in such a way that we think we have to know what we want to do. Or at least all these successful people make it seem like they know what they’re doing, so we feel we should know too. We think by knowing, we will have done right. We think that having the answers will make it easier to live. But all that is a pack of lies. Most of us will never reach a point where we feel we know how life works; even the most experienced people are unsure about it all. Appearance wise, we are all playing poker and each of us are trying to manage the game of life. Even if we don’t hold the winning hand, we remain brave faced and bluffing for as long as we can stand it. We are trying our best not to quit and give in. Some, are fortunate enough to know what they enjoy doing, are able to pursue those things, and live life as they roughly planned. But life rarely takes us where we planned; it just doesn’t deal out the “perfectly” laid out hand we wanted to play. At least in my case, the more I plan, the less things play out according to what I imagined. Instead, “the end I journey towards” is not hoping for a certain job or wishing for certain experiences. I wish only to be okay with where I’m headed and to be grateful for where I’ve been. Any hope more detailed or specific than this causes disappointment and burden. A strict plan also prevents me from seeing what I’m missing or can make it more difficult to adapt when life turns unexpectedly.

If I’ve learned anything, it’s that life is always going to be a complicated mess of living with the choices we make. We aren’t always going to be satisfied with what we have done or what we didn’t do. But we have a life and that is pretty special in itself. Too often we want there to be an exact manual telling us how to live our life and we want a “guide” showing us what we’re supposed to do. It’s comforting to think that there is an explanation for the actions that we have taken. It’s reassuring to have someone or something giving us approval for what we are and what we do. But no one can really know what is right. There are millions of ways to live our life and hundreds of voices claiming they have the answers. We are all trying to figure out the ideal life for ourselves. That’s the journey.

It makes absolute sense that we want our path to be clear, when life is essentially walking through fog. But life will continue to be a mist. Only those who are most equipped with following their instincts, will find that they will have traveled somewhere. We have to believe that the terrain we are walking on isn’t dangerously a cliff, or we would never take a step. Occasionally we might slip into a ravine, but we are capable of climbing back out. It’s not an easy task, but with courage, we will have lived.

So, don’t let these doubts about what is right, hold you back from walking forward. Seek out what life has to offer by being active. Make bold decisions and let it be okay that you are blindly headed somewhere. Forward motion is worth the dangers; it’s the thrill of living.